You know those fears that kind of creep up you? Not the obvious ones like heights, or deep water, or, in my case, snakes (eck). The ones that you didn't even know you had but have somehow caused the sweats and the sick flutters in your stomach? The ones that make ABSOLUTELY no sense when you stop to think about them. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Right now I am having a completely irrational fear of the date. Rather, to be more specific, of an entire month.
I can't even type it without getting a lump in my throat.
I'm sat here going over my plans for the month ahead and I can barely bring myself to look at my diary. I have a few things scheduled that are going to puuuulll me waaaaayyy beyond my comfort zone.
When they were booked in August they felt amazing. Expansive. Wonderful. Fantastic!
But now it's September and that means they're actually happening... and I'm scared.
I'm reminded of that insightful quote by Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us."
Those sentences perfectly capture how I'm feeling as we step into this next month.
There are two dates in particular that are causing me the most hesitation.
One is with Bethany Hawkins of Crackers in Soup. Bethany is going to be helping us create the audio version of SOULACY. And while this is all-the-amazing-things and I am so excited for it, it is something that I didn't see coming and I'm trying to sort all the things that will come with taking on this new project. So this fear is specifically around potentially taking on more than "I think" I can handle right now and bringing it all together.
The other is the super scary one. The one that makes me both feel like I'm floating and drowning at the same time - so, basically, all the things that let you know it's a leap in the right direction. This meeting is with Dominique Mullally. You may remember her powerful article/manifesto from our MONEY special. She is going to be helping me put together 5 and 10 year strategic and financial plans for Soul Spark Enterprises, SOULACY's parent company.
Yes, 5 and 10 YEAR PLANS... I just can't. I've never planned ANYTHING that far ahead.
This is the meeting that is bringing up all the stories, all the old programming, all the doubts, fears, insecurities, and making me want to have a duvet day/week/month. lol
I mean... what if we make these plans and I cannot, or, even worse, do not follow through? I cannot even fathom how disappointed I'll be in myself. Or, what if they're just too big? Who am I to dare to create such a massive enterprise? Gah! All the what ifs...
I'm telling you, they are real and they are scaring the ish out of me right now. So much so I'd almost rather touch a snake. Maybe.
And I'd love to end this wee note with how I reframed it and feel amazing about it all, but I'm just not there yet. I'm in the middle of the sick-to-my-stomach fears whilst looking at my diary and I have no words of wisdom for you. I share because I know you've all been in this same spot and I wanted to long-distance commiserate with you and feel like you've got my back this month - because I am going to need it.
So, I'll keep on taking my deep breaths, remind myself that the past is NOT an indication of my future, and that I don't have to be scared of my light and my immense power. And then I'll breathe some more and walk away from looking at my diary. ;)
...breathe... in... out...
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